5. RACHEL JEANTEL
This petulant chocolate toadstool was the defense’s star witness in the George Zimmerman murder trial, but hers is a star that burns very dimly indeed. Watching her barely conscious bulk crammed into the witness stand as she grunted her answers, half of America said, “Wow, she’s stupid” while the other half of America thought, “Wow, she’s stupid” without saying anything. Which leads me to my next selection…
4. PIERS MORGAN
This fey, pompous, snooty, lime-farting Enemy of All Things American had the gall and fundamental lack of honesty to call Rachel Jeantel a “smart cookie” after an appearance on his show that revealed Jeantel to be dumber than a hippo basking in an African mud pond. All year long, Morgan railed against guns, racism, Americans, American guns, American racists, and American racists with guns. Here’s hoping that some meth-addled gun nuts somewhere in the American heartland devise a gun big enough to shoot Piers Morgan all the way back to England.