‘Glastonbury glamping zone has machine gun turrets to keep out hippies’

Anyone dirty or unkempt who comes within 50 metres of the luxury yurts organised by ’Meggie’s Gypsy Dreams’ will be told to fuck the fuck off, then shot if they fail to comply.

Yurt magnate ‘Meggie’ said: “Our clients work hard all year in soulless corporate jobs so that they can enjoy live music and chill out in a high-security bohemian context.

“I should stress that it’s fine to have machine guns because they are vintage machine guns.”

Labourer Wayne Hayes helped assemble the yurts: “Those yurts are so luxurious it’s mental. They come with drugged baby pandas that you can use as pillows.”