5 Feet of Fury

Best thing to come out of this ’50 Shades…’ movie may be this review of the soundtrack album

Dave Holmes writes:

A brief ride in a Standard Hotel elevator from a singer so new she doesn’t even have a Wikipedia entry. When you put her name into the search engine, Laura Bush comes up. This song is 100% more fun when you imagine Laura Bush singing it. (…)

This song approaches “Columbus Ohio wine bar” sexiness levels. (…)

I watched that Lance Loves Michael: The Lance Bass Wedding Special thing on E! last week, and there was a segment in which the grooms were thrown a dual bachelor party, replete with go-go boys and a penis cake. After the obligatory lap dance, the boys did an interview and Lance said: “I think I need a cigarette.” Do you, Lance? Were you actually turned on by an oiled, emaciated child rubbing his Lycra taint on your forearm while a crew of production assistants collected appearance releases, or are you just playing what you perceive to be your role in this dull, hypersexualized world? (Also, who says they need a cigarette after something sexy happens? It is my strong suspicion that Lance Bass learned how to be a person by watching YouTube tutorials.)