Having recently become the father of two white baby girls, how can I ensure that they won’t follow in the oppressive footsteps of their many hard-working Irish immigrant ancestors and find gainful employment as adults? Such productivity would be an insult to the nameless generations of people of color who have doubtlessly suffered through the numerous “micro-aggressions” my daughters have unwittingly committed since their mother and I offended the world with the culturally violent act of bringing them into the world, would it not?
Delving into my bottomless “invisible knapsack” of white patriarchal ideas, I have found a way to put them on equal footing with many of their African-American contemporaries that will be competing with them in the job market decades from now. I will give them absurd name on par with some of the hilarious names generated by our more melanin-blessed citizens. (…)
I came up with a bunch of ridiculous white names for my girls: Axe Murderess Sheahan, Dungeness Crabs Sheahan, Penis-Cutter Volcano Sheahan, Swimming Nazi Sheahan, and so on. But that’s not really playing by the same rules. Many of the black names we laugh at aren’t words in their own right like some of those names. I invented some new words out of thin air that might work and announce ridiculous white names, such as Minookinfloover, Hoopskavinir, Blintoplolinpolia, and Skeppenpeepern, but those could be mistaken for real names too and might be real names common in some remote corner of Iceland for all I know…
