‘Simms’ father recalled how his son expressed a desire to marry the shorter, less desirable sister in Fiddler On The Roof when he was 9 years old…’

…while longtime friend Ben Meltzer said Simms was often known to ask his peers if they ever wondered what Jackie Mason’s wife looks like.

“I remember a cheerleader once tried to ask David out in high school, but he turned her down cold,” Meltzer said.

“I’d love to tell you that I always knew that diminutive Jews were his cup of tea, but to tell you the truth, between all the play openings and musical premieres, I was convinced David was gay.”

Where his attraction comes from, many are still unsure. However, Simms said that the girls he has brought home have always been met with approval from his parents—especially his mother, a 4-foot, 11-inch-tall former Broadway actress who fought in Israel’s war for independence.

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Funny, but I’ve got to ask about this next one:

Would The Onion post a similar story about Mohammed?

 The young Christ, like many adrift Hebrew males, is believed to have turned to sex work around 19 A.D. as a coping mechanism during a bout of homelessness.