5 Feet of Fury

How ‘The Love Boat’ Ruined My Life: My NEW Taki’s column

Have “fun”:

Last week, two scrapyard workers were overcome by toxic fumes and died while breaking apart the old Pacific Princess.

No doubt the SyFy Channel (of Sharknado infamy) already has a movie in the works about a once-popular, now-forgotten cruise ship stuck in dry dock, haunted and plotting revenge.

You can practically hear the pitch:

Just as tragic ocean liners of old burned uncontrollably due to accrued coats of varnish and glue, every inch of the “Love Boat” was similarly imbued with ten years’ worth of smarm and schmaltz, a fatal airborne marinade of Robert Goulet’s Brylcreem and Joan Collins’s eau de cologne.

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(By the way: the Love Boat backstory is that the Captain and the rest of the male crew served together in Vietnam. Anybody looking for a topic for a fake movie trailer idea, a la Apocalypse Now…?)