Ladies, the smart ones are onto you…
Behold:
For those having trouble keeping track of all of this, having it all means:
Getting her feminist merit badge while:
1. Having sex with the most attractive men who are willing to have sex with her. After a decade or so of this, she:
2. Marries a nice reliable man who provides the financial support and social status of wife and perhaps mother. Once she has gotten out of this what she wants, she:
3. Discovers that she is unhaaapy, and was somehow “trapped in marriage!” Many women prefer to savor this step for some period of time, perhaps even for many years. There is power and drama here and the next step contains risk.
4. Is forced to divorce the bad man who made her unhaaapy by doing everything she demanded he do.
5. Basks in the drama of a newly divorced woman, wronged by her ex husband and the society which forced her to marry the wrong man.
6. Has sex with the most attractive men who are (still) willing to have sex with her. Since this misguided attempt at reliving the glory of her twenties is generally an immense disappointment, she then wants to quickly move on to:
7. Finds her secret multimilionaire hunky handyman who insists that she marry him, thus returning her to the higher social status of wife.
Believe it or not, the having it all list ends here. A woman divorcing once and then marrying up says drama, rebirth, and empowerment. A woman divorcing twice says loser who couldn’t keep a man. Divorcing without remarrying says post marital spinster, also known as crazy cat lady her still married friends, colleagues, and relatives make fun of.
Key to this process is to stick the landing so she winds up in the group making fun of the crazy cat ladies instead of becoming one of them.
***
Boo!
The only things he forgot was “spend zillion$ on fertility treatments because they a) got some sex disease when they were young and/or b) they left it too late to have kids AND “let their boyfriends film them having sex, believing he would never post it on the internet” — OR, and this is terrifying, “hoping he does.”
The really scary part?
This is their Plan A.
And there is NO Plan B.
They literally believe this is literally how their lives will proceed. Literally.
I know. I’ve met them.
I tried living this way and even totally drunk 24 hours a day, only made it through Step 1 with extreme difficulty.
I finished up in the middle of Step 2 and hope that will be me finished.
PS: regarding that “secret multimillionaire hunky handyman” thing — that’s why I don’t know how Mrs. Carolla sleeps at night when he’s on the road…
