(From our “Bob calls it ‘Thursday’/and he’s right” files…)
“I have often been called a Nazi, and, although it is unfair, I don’t let it bother me. I don’t let it bother me for one simple reason. No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal.”
Or, it occurred to me this morning, as a Mountie.
Uniforms are a porn staple, but the RCMP’s?
I googled “mountie porn” and, as you had guessed, there are plenty of news stories about Mounties up on (as it were) porn charges.
But no videos — pro or am, straight or gay — titled Diddley Do Right or Studly Do Wrong or Musical Ride or Raoul Gets His Man! or Red Surge 12.
So:
Your theories?
UPDATE — a friend writes in:
Letha Weapons stars in “The Mountie”. I am watching what appears to be a sixteen minute clip as I type this. I would send a link but it seems wrong somehow.
He adds (seventeen minutes later):
Having watched the clip, it isn’t entirely clear to me what it has to do with Mounties. I assume it is an excerpt from a longer, Mountie-themed work.
But he helpfully attaches a jpg:
Indeed, my settings were were set to “moderate.” After changing the filter settings, I see his find, but only a few other barely passable relevant links.
PS: Women wearing “Sexy Mountie” Halloween outfits don’t count. That’s the opposite of what I’m talking about.
UPDATE — Haha! Someone from Hamilton (where else?) has been trying to unload theirs since last month:
Used once. Leggings were never worn.
**Hats can be purchased for $5-10 at Halloween Costume stores, value village, etc.
So it doesn’t even come with the hat?
Oh wait: something must’ve happened to his/her hat because if you buy it new…
(Hat Included is a crushed foam hat. The crushed foam hat really is crushed and not firm, may be able to steam it out but beware)
“Beware”!? This hat is scaring me now…
Nobody likes it:
The costume itself is great. The fit and the color is awesome. The only thing that could be better about it is the hat. It’s pretty flimsy and I’ll have to try and find a better version of it at a store. It just doesn’t look good enough to wear on stage for the competition that I’m entering.
There IS a male “Sexy Mountie” costume, btw (“While they last”) which is more like “Red Shirt.” I would love to know how many they’ve ever sold.
I am a 47 year old Canadian who lived over a decade in Toronto’s Boystown and I have never seen anyone, male or female, dressed as a “Sexy Mountie.”
Anyway, is it possible that Disney — who used to own the rights to the RCMP uniform and no I am not joking — cracked down (so to speak) on Mountie porn?
Oh, wait: this is Disney we’re talking about — a corporation whose morals have evolved since Harlan Ellison broke their record for hiring/firing.
UPDATE — a different friend (who should know, because he used to party in L.A. with what’s left of the Russ Meyer stable) writes:
As for “Mountie pr0n”, I don’t know if this counts, but in the opening scene of Russ Meyer’s Vixen, which is set and shot in British Columbia, bitchy nympho Vixen (Erica Gavin) has just finished getting it on in the great outdoors with a guy who gets dressed in his RCMP uniform and hat and returns to duty.
It’s also possible that there was some pr0n parody of the Brendan Fraser live-action Dudley Doright movie of late ’90s, although the pr0n industry usually only parodies mainstream movies that are successful and popular, which Fraser’s Doright was not.
And he’s right!
Then I searched PornParody.com for “Mountie” and got nothing.
This is especially odd since Brendan Fraser’s Mountie was such a big female fantasy fixture while his show was on.
Or not. I guess that like similar upright (in a manner of speaking) fantasy characters like Sherlock Holmes (he and Mr Spock have the distinction of being the only ones named in My Secret Garden), he is a poor match with the current gonzo, balls-out porn aesthetic.
Think of Sally’s threadbare description of her “big sexual fantasy” to a disbelieving Harry in the movie: it would be the world’s shortest porn flick, and completely useless now that it, as a movie, has left the safe confines of Sally’s mind — the way food goes bad if you leave the lid off.
(While Sally’s fantasy rang true for lots of women when that movie came out, I’m guessing today most females between age 12 and 50 would now go “Huh?” My Secret Garden is so dated now, too.)
Anyhow: Have a fish!
UPDATE — a female reader writes: “It’s not porn, but it’s a start…”
His (Barney Panofsky’s) most reliable money-spinner is the popular Mountie adventure series, McIver of the RCMP, named for his bête noir.
“Whenever a government minister, a free-marketeer responding to American pressure, threatened to dump the law that insisted on (and bankrolled to a yummy degree) so much Canadian-manufactured pollution on our airwaves, I did a quick change in the hypocrite’s phone booth, slipping into my Captain Canada mode, and appeared before the committee. ‘We are defining Canada to Canadians,’ I told them. ‘We are this country’s memory, its soul, its hypostasis, the last defence against our being overwhelmed by the egregious cultural imperialists to the south of us.'”
On the other hand, it’s the “bonking scenes in canoes and igloos” which have made McIver such a hit in the UK and other lucrative markets.”
