The $600 penis pump: my latest at Taki’s

Talk about yer “big government”…

Here ya go:

I was blessedly unfamiliar with penis pumps until last year, when the (straight Jewish) client of my (gay Muslim) client turned out to be an inventor of penis hats. I don’t mean penis-shaped hats for your head. I mean miniature top hats and fezzes and Viking helmets that a guy can wear on his penis. For some reason. (The gay Muslim’s mom, an imam, even sewed the tiny bells on the jester’s caps. Just another day in multicultural Toronto.)

I decided to immerse myself in everything penile, the better to promote our product to adult-novelty distributors and Japanese penis-festival devotees—whose cult is looking better all the time.