I wish this was true…

If these really are “actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system,” I take back (almost) everything I ever said about teachers.

But this is, I fear, wishful thinking on some witty, nostalgic person’s part. Can’t bear to Snopes it  — just enjoy (and try to ignore that bitter aftertaste in your mental mouth afterwards, the one that you always get after consuming sweet but unsatisfying artificial foodstuffs):

The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

The “cop” quotes are a more believable:

The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?