5 Feet of Fury

‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ (1974) frankly one of the most boring movies I’ve ever seen

Sorry.

I’d had all the 1970s dusty “beige,” turn-a-damn-light-on art direction (which fans call “atomosphere”) I could handle by the time I got around to seeing T-Saw, so I guess it really isn’t their fault.

I just can’t care about the fate of a group of refugees from Go Ask Alice. In real life they grew up to be the people who ruined the culture. Tobe Hooper was a college professor who “credited graphic coverage of violence by San Antonio news outlets as part of the inspiration for the film.”

Uh huh. Raise your hand if you’d like to see that (“Cat up a tree! Film at eleven!!”) footage. Seriously: what more do I have to say?

Plus the movie doesn’t “start at the beginning” — I could go on, but honestly? It puts me to sleep. Its reputation is 90% title-power.

And it certainly has diddly do to do with “the perceived lies of the” ****ing “Nixon administration.” Grow up.

There’s an old Texas Monthly piece looking back at the making of the film (detailing, for example, the stench of all that set decoration meat rotting beneath the summer sun) which is far more entertaining.

Way to go, John Laroquette, though. Nice cocktail party story (when you were still drinking), even if you were uncredited.