“Now,” continued the statement, “fate torments Crystal Magnum once again. Just as she is attempting to piece together her shattered life, before we’ve had an opportunity to enshrine her riveting memoir The Last Dance For Grace in its proper place among literary masterpieces, Crystal is raped once again. No, not in the actual penetration and ejaculation sense of the word, but this time by all of humanity, whose failure to address climate change has resulted in yet another rare case of Anthropomorphic Global Warming-Induced Spontaneous Combustion (AGWISC), this time in Crystal Magnum’s bathtub, where she had placed her boyfriend’s clothes, no doubt to wash them later.”
