“BE IT KNOWN (like) that the PLAINTIFF, Dick Wartman, a lunatic resident in the Peoples Republic of Ontariostan, has filed a motion in Kangaroo Court to the effect, viz:
“That on or about the 25th day of December, 2006, at 2:30 in the morning or thereabouts, one Santa Raymond Gregory David Frederick Abu-Islam Claus, resident at the North Pole, Nunavut, did knowingly and with malice, enter the premises of Dick Wartman, his lover Don Underpants, and his other lover Chuckie the Kid from Down the Street, which threesome are legally married in the Peoples Republic of Ontariostan, and there was heard to threaten the PLAINTIFF, Dick Wartman, on the grounds that:
“(a) his chimney was too small, thus in plain and ordinary meaning implying that Dick Wartman was chimney-deficient and not a real man;
“(b) his milk and cookies were not good to consume, implying in plain and ordinary meaning, that Dick Wartman was negligent with respect to the Kanadar Food Guide, a notable libel which retards the chances of the PLAINTIFF from gaining employment as a sous-chef, one of the three jobs most sought after by the PLAINTIFF should the LEGAL CAREER go down the TUBES;
“(c) the seasonal decorations were assessed to be [sic] ‘gay, laughable, and rather limp,’ thus implying by sexual innuendo and other devices, that the PLAINTIFF was a gay man and not able to fully participate in Xmas like other Kanadarians, thus diminishing the pleasure that the PLAINTIFF might take from any reasonable expectation of gay festivity…”
(Via.)
